I’ve told you (repeatedly) that 2017 has been a year of change and transformation for me, but what I haven’t mentioned is that in the moment I didn’t realize it. Obviously, I recognized that things had to change, and I was certainly making efforts to do just that. I didn’t realize the extent to which that change was happening. All of the revelations I uncovered happened only (or at least mostly) in hindsight. In the moment, I didn’t realize I was becoming better. It occurs to me that perhaps that’s how it always is. Maybe when you’re in the moment, doing the dirty work you can’t possibly see the changes taking place.
There were exceptions, of course. I once poured my heart out to a room full of strangers at church. This, dear reader, was not a typical Casie move. I am not a person who pours their heart out to anyone (just ask my husband). That’s the first time I remember thinking “something is happening to you.” At the time I considered it a one-off. A freak occurrence. Yet here I am today, routinely pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet.
My desire to eat a cleaner diet and exercise more was borne of wanting to lose baby weight and trying desperately to cure my postpartum depression when modern medicine failed me. I’d have tried anything to feel better, but it never occurred to me that these things would turn into passions. I’d spent most of my life decidedly sedentary. The idea that I’d become a person who saw the gym as a place of solace was so absurd it never occurred to me that it was possible. That food would, at long last, feel more like medicine than a drug I desperately needed and couldn’t control was something I couldn’t have anticipated.
When I was in college my mom’s best friend sent me a card with a quote she’d found that I’ve never forgotten. She said “Never stop growing. A finished person is a boring person.” It occurs to me that perhaps up until this year I’d considered myself finished. Or at the very least, I’d stopped actively seeking growth opportunities. Evolution is tiring work when you’re already sleep-deprived and over-stimulated. It’s made harder when you’d rather ignore your demons that face them head-on. In this way, I suppose, PPD was a gift. Without it I’d likely still be telling myself I’d dealt with all my issues, when in reality I simply ignored them. I’m not finished, and I hope I never am. I want to constantly be seeking better.
With a New Year approaching, I’m committing myself to a few New Year’s Resolutions, which I typically never do. Actually, I have more than a few, but I won’t bore you with all of them.
Some things I’m going to do better:
- Reading more! I used to read constantly, and then came children and I all but completely stopped. I’ve set a goal to read 50 books in 2018, and I’m taking suggestions. (*Will read anything except fantasy or what I call precious books aka Nicholas Sparks.)
- Making time for meditation. Meditation helps me in so many ways, yet it’s always the first thing to go. My house is not a quiet one, and there never seems to be enough time for anything. In the new year, I’m making it a priority to get in at least 10 minutes a day.
- Yoga. I discovered yoga this past summer and fell madly in love. Then my husband got a new job that required a lot of travel, and I couldn’t swing yoga and the gym. Yoga lost. I’ve decided that I’m going to do some yoga every day, even if it’s in my living room.
- Start recycling. This probably seems silly and an easy enough goal to manage without the new year forcing the issue, but I am terrible about recycling. It’s a worthy pursuit that I 100% believe in, but I find myself tossing stuff in the garbage more than I care to admit. Our kitchen is small, so the bins can’t live there, and I am operating under “out of sight, out of mind.” (Does this sound like an excuse? It totally does.) Hopefully putting it out there for all the world to read will hold me accountable.
- Eat more plants and fewer animals. I’m not going vegan, and I’m not even really sure I want to be vegetarian. I do want to shift from eating animal protein all the live long day. I’ve read a lot about the health and environmental benefits (says the woman who won’t recycle), but I’ve never been able to make it a priority. I worry I’ll be hungry all the time, so I’m Pinterest-ing like a mad woman in an effort to find a way to eat more plants and not starve to death. Wish me luck.
- Journaling. I’ve sort of started this already, but I hope to make it a more consistent practice. I am a person who lives inside her head a lot, and journaling helps to get it all out.
Onward & Upward
This blog has already brought me so much joy. I never imagined how therapeutic it could be for me or that so many other people would relate to it. That I can help even one person feel less alone or more motivated to change their owns lives is incredibly humbling. I can’t say enough that if I can change my life, anyone can. The only possible advantage I have over anyone is that I am incredibly stubborn. Otherwise, I’m not special or uniquely equipped.
You could read any number of blogs. The fact that you choose to read anything I write means the world to me. I hope that as I grow personally, so does my little corner of the Internet.
I’ve decided that when I start getting troll hate comments, I will have made it. Fingers crossed!
I want to know: What are your goals for the new year?